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Well, gee, Matthew. I didn’t know I was being so mean. But I do want to take a moment and address your and your 5 friends’ concerns. Let me address them separately, okay, Boo? Perhaps we can do something to reach a healthy and happy middle ground. And I’m not even going to go call 5 of my friends to reach a consensus. I’m going to fly solo. Aren’t you proud of me?
Before we talk, though, would you like me to fix you a sandwich? No? Okay. Well, let me slip on my heels and we can talk.
1. Black women make black men feel under-appreciated, unwarranted and irresponsible and regressive.
Oh, Honey. I appreciate you. God knows that just living this life is a hard hame and I’m grateful that I don’t have to pull alone. The way we pool our resources is just awesome, like we’re equal or something. And you doing the dishes last month? I cried. You are so into this.
2. Black women are too aggressive and no longer patient in waiting on the pursuit of a man.
Okay, yes. I asked you out first. But only because I thought we both wanted that, and didn’t we, Boo? I mean, you seemed into it that night (remember, Sweetie?) and here we are in all our awesomeness. If I was being too aggressive, you could have ignored me, just like all those girls at the bar were ignoring you.
3. Black women are strong headed, too independent which presents great challenges in relationships.
Precious! I thought you liked strong head. Oh! Oh! Strong headED. Oh, Sugar, silly me. You mean that I think I know my mind, pay my bills and ask that you pee IN the toilet or if you can’t, then you clean up the scattershot? Okay, then. Of course. You can pay my bills. And I promise to never ever think again. I’ll be a doll. A quiet doll. And it’ll look like I’m always saying “Oh!”
Precious! I thought you liked strong head. Oh! Oh! Strong headED. Oh, Sugar, silly me. You mean that I think I know my mind, pay my bills and ask that you pee IN the toilet or if you can’t, then you clean up the scattershot? Okay, then. Of course. You can pay my bills. And I promise to never ever think again. I’ll be a doll. A quiet doll. And it’ll look like I’m always saying “Oh!”
4. Black women are masculine in that they are controlling and like to run the relationship.
You mean because I have your dick in my hand, Snookums. Honestly, Sweetheart, you weren’t using it and I thought, “Two of us, one dick! And it’s Black Dick, Too!? Dammit, we can conquer the world.” But I see how you can feel that way. Here’s your dick, Beloved. I won’t touch it again.
5. Black women expect too much. They are gold diggers who will not look twice at a blue collar black man.
Okay, Angel, that’s not fair. You have no gold. And is the value of gold really that high in today’s market? Oh, but you’re not talking about me? Then what golddiggers are you speaking of, Babydoll? I know this is stupid but for some reason and here I go thinking again…and after I promised…but for some reason I keep thinking about a line from “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes.” Yeah, your favorite movie. Anyway, Lorelai Lee says, “A man being rich is like a girl being pretty. It isn’t necessary. But, my goodness, doesn’t it help.” Don’t get all mad, My Prince. I don’t want rich. I want you and all our awesomeness.
6. Black women are hot headed and have bad attitudes.
Oh, Dollface. You know that’s only at work.
7. Black women stop caring about their appearance after a certain age.
Oh, AllThatIAm! I care. Look at my heels. Are you using my mother as an example? Okay, she’s a little heavy on the appliquéd sweatshirts and she’s not big on make-up. But she’s in good shape and she’s boning your friend Ronnie so he likes her appearance. But I promise to never ever gain weight. I know! We won’t have kids. See. Problem solved.
8. Black women are not as sexually open as other races, especially in regards to oral sex.
Mmmrphgggllmmr. Let me up, Dearheart. What?! No, I won’t remove my finger. Not until you take that back!
9. Black women’s tolerance is far too low; they are no longer empathetic to the black man’s struggle in white America.
Sigh.
10. Black women do not cater to their men.
Matthew. Matthew. Matthew. I'm being flip, I know. That used to make you laugh, but no matter.
Hey, Matthew. Why don’t we try something new and exciting, hmm? Why don’t we come to this thing on equal footing, realizing that our gender is a subset of being human. That’s our commonality. We’re human beings who love each other. If we want a caterer, then we should throw a party. A party celebrating how amazing it is that we found each other because the odds were not there. I don’t need you to be anything but the best person you can be. I will try to do the same. If you do that, I'll walk through the gates of hell with you and you'll trust that I'll always be beside you. And let’s forget all this Top Ten Reasons foolishness. If you want a white girl and you love her, I say to find love is a blessing. Be with her for deep or even for shallow reasons because I don’t want to stunt your self-discovery.
But Matthew. Sweetie. Honey. Sugar. Baby. If you want me – like I want you? Let's promise to make each other believe how human and lucky we are ever single day.
Your Baby forever,
Anonymous Sec's
You mean because I have your dick in my hand, Snookums. Honestly, Sweetheart, you weren’t using it and I thought, “Two of us, one dick! And it’s Black Dick, Too!? Dammit, we can conquer the world.” But I see how you can feel that way. Here’s your dick, Beloved. I won’t touch it again.
5. Black women expect too much. They are gold diggers who will not look twice at a blue collar black man.
Okay, Angel, that’s not fair. You have no gold. And is the value of gold really that high in today’s market? Oh, but you’re not talking about me? Then what golddiggers are you speaking of, Babydoll? I know this is stupid but for some reason and here I go thinking again…and after I promised…but for some reason I keep thinking about a line from “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes.” Yeah, your favorite movie. Anyway, Lorelai Lee says, “A man being rich is like a girl being pretty. It isn’t necessary. But, my goodness, doesn’t it help.” Don’t get all mad, My Prince. I don’t want rich. I want you and all our awesomeness.
6. Black women are hot headed and have bad attitudes.
Oh, Dollface. You know that’s only at work.
7. Black women stop caring about their appearance after a certain age.
Oh, AllThatIAm! I care. Look at my heels. Are you using my mother as an example? Okay, she’s a little heavy on the appliquéd sweatshirts and she’s not big on make-up. But she’s in good shape and she’s boning your friend Ronnie so he likes her appearance. But I promise to never ever gain weight. I know! We won’t have kids. See. Problem solved.
8. Black women are not as sexually open as other races, especially in regards to oral sex.
Mmmrphgggllmmr. Let me up, Dearheart. What?! No, I won’t remove my finger. Not until you take that back!
9. Black women’s tolerance is far too low; they are no longer empathetic to the black man’s struggle in white America.
Sigh.
10. Black women do not cater to their men.
Matthew. Matthew. Matthew. I'm being flip, I know. That used to make you laugh, but no matter.
Hey, Matthew. Why don’t we try something new and exciting, hmm? Why don’t we come to this thing on equal footing, realizing that our gender is a subset of being human. That’s our commonality. We’re human beings who love each other. If we want a caterer, then we should throw a party. A party celebrating how amazing it is that we found each other because the odds were not there. I don’t need you to be anything but the best person you can be. I will try to do the same. If you do that, I'll walk through the gates of hell with you and you'll trust that I'll always be beside you. And let’s forget all this Top Ten Reasons foolishness. If you want a white girl and you love her, I say to find love is a blessing. Be with her for deep or even for shallow reasons because I don’t want to stunt your self-discovery.
But Matthew. Sweetie. Honey. Sugar. Baby. If you want me – like I want you? Let's promise to make each other believe how human and lucky we are ever single day.
Your Baby forever,
Anonymous Sec's
WELL...FUCKING...SAID (SUGA)!
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